Let me tell you a little story about a couple I know. Joe and Jane have been dating for over 2 years. Joe is 35, with a playful personality and the maturity of a 16 y.o., and Jane is a sweet, traditional 25 y.o., who has had a wedding savings account (that has accumulated a notable amount of money) since college. When they first began dating, Joe intensely pursued Jane: he appeared randomly at her door with fresh coffee and donuts, sent her flowers, loved to join her and her friends at bars, took her biking and running along scenic trails, accompanied her on shopping trips, cooked her dinner, took her out to dinner, etc. As expected, after about twelve months, things started to die down. Neighbors stopped complaining about their loud nightly (and sometimes daily) romps - because they simply weren't happening anymore. He gradually stopped coming over to her house, and instead preferred that they just stay at his place. His expectations and demands changed. And at the two year mark, he stopped acknowledging anniversaries and even birthdays. Suddenly, she learned, he hated to run and bike because of his bad knees; he hated bars and refused to meet with her and her friends on nights out; he loathed shopping and if he ever bought her a gift, it would still be in the Best Buy bag, unwrapped, with the price tag attached. He didn't have time to cook dinner anymore and asked her to make whatever she wanted on the nights they met, regardless of her own busy schedule. He stopped going to her house completely, and they actually spent some nights sleeping apart, in the comfort of their own beds.
So what to do now, you ask? Well, just recently, Jane sat Joe down and told him if he doesn't want to marry her or get married at all, that she deserved to know now. He was so disturbed by the conversation that he became unresponsive and - just short of having convulsions - immediately left the room. In the days following the ultimatum, they went about their business as if the confrontation never occurred. Exactly a week later, Joe suggested that he and Jane go to a couple jewelry stores to look at rings. Jane was delighted, and has been walking on clouds ever since. Joe has asked for specific descriptions of the kind of engagement ring Jane wants, down to the shape, cut, clarity and band. And "the rest" - assuming she means the on-bended-knee-proposal-part - is up to him.
Jane's justification of this whole ordeal is as follows: her and Joe getting married is inevitable, and he just needed a nudge. Despite the fading intensity and contributions on his part to the relationship, she believes if he doesn't grow up (or get "nudged" into growing up) now, he never will. So, getting married is the answer. And she is, nevertheless, in a state of bliss about the whole process. Mission accomplished.
And so, to you, I present the Big Question: will Joe and Jane be happy?
I was so taken aback by Erica Jong's "Fear of Flying" that I had to dedicate another post to a topic she beats to death: marriage. "Would most women get married if they knew what it meant? I think of young women following their husbands wherever their husbands follow their jobs. I think of them suddenly finding themselves miles away from friends and family. I think of them making babies out of their lonliness and boredom and not knowing why. I think of their men always harried and exhausted from being on the make. I think of them seeing each other less after marriage than before. I think of them falling into bed too exhausted to screw. I think of them farther apart in the first year of marriage than they ever imagined two people could be when they were courting. Not: when did it all go wrong? But: when was it ever right? A grim picture. What did I know? I wanted 'total mutuality,' 'companionship,' 'equality.' Did I know about how men sit there glued to the paper while you clear the table? How they pretend to be all thumbs when you ask them to mix the frozen orange juice?...I know some good marriages. Second marriages mostly. Marriages where both people have outgrown the bullshit of me-Tarzan, you-Jane and are just trying to get through their days by helping each other, being good to each other, doing the chores as they come up and not worrying too much about who does what. Maybe marriages are best in middle age. When all the nonsense falls away and you realize you have to love one another because you're going to die anyway."Brilliant. I got into a conversation with a coworker yesterday and she asked if I'm afraid, like her girl friends in their late-twenties and mid-thirties, that I'll never get married. In this day and age, she argued, men and women can get on with their lives and be perfectly fulfilled emotionally, physically and financially, just by themselves. What is the purpose of marriage, she asks. Perhaps marriage was "invented" as a means for women to have emotional, physical and financial security during a time when they would not or could not be independent. Marriage was supposed to provide a stable, committed environment for two people to have children together. It was supposed to make two people responsible, not only for their own financial future, but for each other. Not to mention all the federal tax benefits. It seems, my coworker and I agreed, that the feminist movement has advanced women's accompliments and successes in countless ways, but also bitten us in the ass. Women no longer have the "need" for financial support from men. We have become independent-minded and free-spirited and, dare I say, self-serving completely on our own. But guess what. It's not just us. Men are the same. (Thanks to the feminist movement, we demanded the "total mutuality" and "equality" from them). Why would a man be inclined to marry when he could have the same lifestyle and comfort and freedom in non-married, non-commited coupledom? Men and women do not want the commitment or the responsibility of marriage anymore. Where does love come in? Well, back in the day, men and women didn't necessarily marry for love (except in the movies). They were married on the basis of compatibility, status, class, race, etc. But marrying just for love would be foolish. As Jong explicitly pointed out, modern day marriages get affected by the fast pace of real life. The love and passion fades. Then what are you left with? To me, is there any difference between dying alone and dying with someone you don't love or care for at all? I'm not really sure if there is a "purpose" to marriage these days. I don't fear not getting married. I know I will have a couple kids - maybe adopt one too. I know I will continue to wholeheartedly [and perhaps, selfishly] pursue a career that I enjoy. And I hope along the way I meet someone who I can laugh with, dance with, tease, and experiment my cooking on, and if/when the love wanes, we would still be best friends. It's not so much the marriage that I'm afraid I won't find, as much as the importance of companionship. To me, marriage is just a legal document. I can do anything I want on my own, but it would be awfully lonely if I can't share it with anyone.
