I've Never Met a Short Lesbian

Is there a scientific correlation between height and female homosexuality? Anyone know?

Just a thought.

In the spirit of. . .

...International Women's Day (March 8th), I want to share one of my favorite poems. It's unfortunate that in the U.S., IWD goes completely unnoticed and uncelebrated, whereas in Europe. Africa, Asia and South America, women pour out in masses to acknowledge women - their accomplishments, their progress, and their struggles - every year on March 8th. It's even celebrated (quietly) in Iran! Come on, America. Get with it.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

-Maya Angelou

Red Flags

I couldn't resist sharing some recently-acquired wisdom: just a few things girls should be wary of on a FIRST DATE. Hopefully this will save you ladies out there. . .from a second date with the weirdo that displays any of the behaviors below.

1 - He picks a venue across the street from his apartment.
2 - The venue is a diner.
3 - When the bill arrives, you do the obligatory wallet-reach to show you're willing to split. He responds with "yeah can you pay your share? I'm totally broke."
4 - He keeps insisting you go back to said apartment across the street for "some beer and a movie."
5 - He picks his teeth at the table.
6 - He asks how many boyfriends you've had.
7 - He discusses his ex. Whom he lived with for two years. Describes it as "fun."
8 - He discusses his past girlfriends. Explicitly. That he broke up with over the last couple weeks.
9 - He stares at a girl across the room for half the night and "swears it's his ex" (another one).
10 - He has a lot of ex-girlfriends. Some lasted for a few days.
11 - He always walks ahead of you. Even in a crowded room.
12 - When making plans for the movies, he lists off the ones he wants to see. Then tells you to pick.
13 - He asks you for a compliment. For him.
14 - As the server walks away, he says "she's cute. "
15 - He has a rubber-necking problem when any female walks by.
16 - He chews his nails.
17 - He chides you for smoking shisha socially, but then whips out a pack of cigarettes.
18 - He talks about meeting your parents. This is the first date.
19 - He can dish a lot of teasing and joking, but can't take yours.
20 - He's not emotionally close to his family. Has a non-existent relationship with his brother. (Depending on what you're looking for, some girls may not view this to be a bad thing).
21 - He admits to having "a lot of baggage." Remember, this is the first date.
22 - He tells you he doesn't think you'll make a good [insert prospective career here].

(Yes, these are all from personal experience. Accumulated from only 2 first dates). I could probably list a few more but I don't want to discourage single people out there from dating altogether. Just remember to make a mental note of red flags, and ABORT MISSION early in the night if you have to. I'm now off to the nearest Gay and Lesbian Alliance Meeting.

The New Crack Epidemic

What are you supposed to do when you're at the library, focused intently on exam notes, fresh coffee in hand, when you glance to your right and see an ass-crack in perfect view to all the other library nerds around you. The owner of the crack seems to be just as preoccupied as you were only seconds ago, her nose digging into her laptop, yet her ass is hanging out for all of mankind to see. It's not even pretty, folks. Clearly, ugly betty here spends so much time in libraries that she doesn't get much sun to begin with, but her pasty ass is almost blinding to anyone whose unfortunate eyes were to lay upon it. You rub your eyes to make sure you're not hallucinating. You look around to see if there are any other witnesses. Meanwhile a couple of the mature ones pass by, elbow each other and point to the ass-crack and laugh. Another amused soul silently creeps up behind her with his camera phone and snaps a picture. The girls next to me tap their friends to see the spectacle. As a woman, I was especially embarrassed with the reactions of the women around me - where was the sisterhood?! When there is a stray hair stuck to my wool sweater, does my fellow sister not remove it with one sweep of her hand? When my shirt tag is, unbeknownst to me, hanging outside my collar, does my fellow sister not tuck it inside? Where was the support? But, as a human being, I was offended and disgusted: why on earth is this beast wearing jeans that don't fit over her ass? Sure, "low-riders" seem to be the fashion rage of kids these days, but it seemed her sweatshirt barely reached her waistline, even! Was it possible that, when standing upright, she dared to expose her belly rolls AND half her pasty-white ass?? This, my friends, was not just a bit of exposure of the top curvature of the buttocks - which can be sexy and sometimes deliberate, especially when there is a lacy thong involved - but this here was a very visible, dimply and cellulite covered half-moon. Even the most avid ass-men would have shuddered with disgrace. Thank god there was no butt hair - do people that white-skinned even have hair on their bodies?? Or a tattoo of a heart and arrow - oh the horrors!! if there was a dimply tattoo to boot! I noticed more students around me - male and female - giggling and pointing. Does she not hear them?! Does she not feel a cold draft?! Something had to be done. I could not sit by silently while a poor, unaware, misguided young girl was mocked and laughed at - even though she fully deserved it. I had to take a stand. I slowly closed my book, rose from my chair, and walked toward ass-crack girl with a purpose. Then she suddenly jumped from the desk and scurried toward the bathroom. Hmm. . .maybe it was not meant to be. . . I abruptly swung around, grabbed my belongings and moved my studying operation to another quiet room.

Hey, it's not my fault she was just raised that way :).

**Note: the image above is not of the library ass-crack girl. This is purely a visual to guide the story.

Home Sweet Home

I really couldn't have asked for a better roommate setup than the one I have now. Two roommates who are both kind, considerate, independent and, most importantly, sane. However, only recently has it occurred to me - with the acquisition of the new, foreign roommate - that Roommate A (here first) and Roommate B (just moved in) could not be more different from each other. Roommate A is a sweet, all-American teacher who shops at J.Crew and makes her students rice-krispie treats and hand-crafted frames; she runs marathons and I've caught her actually watching some baseball or football games when I've come home; she is very passive but still functional, well-adjusted and very sociable on a normal level; she really had to be broken in during the first couple months that I moved in with my crass retorts and sarcastic jokes; she has a full-time boyfriend so she actually sleeps at our house about 3x a week. We've lived together for almost 3 years so by now we have a steady, quite-feminine friendship where we will occasionally have male-bashing sessions or exchange life wisdom and experiences with each other. Oh, did I mention she's a looker? Sorry, guys, she's not breaking up anytime soon.

Enter Roommate B. Being the semi-Type A personality I am, I took charge of finding the new roommate. Her and I would be sharing most of the living space, after all. I knew what I was looking for: someone who would communicate, have her own life, clean up after herself, and be financially responsible. (Not unlike what I look for in a man). Roommate B moved from China to the US at age 12, by herself, to go to a musical boarding school in Cali, and moved to the DC area after graduating college in Wisconsin. Even though she's a young fish, I figured her upbringing has made her grow up fast. She's a simple girl, fresh off the boat, can't cook for herself, and has an out-of-town boyfriend. She is still very naive and impressionable at 23, so I couldn't resist taking her under my wing (which may or may not blow up in my face). I was excited to have an "international" roommate to balance out the Americanness that was taking over our house. Within her first week at the house, I taught Roommate B how to smoke shisha and properly load a dishwasher; we ate sushi together; mocked American celebrities; and had long discussions about China. I was enjoying myself: interacting with A and B separately as we all lead hectic lives and run in and out of the house at different times of the week. I had a nice ying-yang balance in the people I lived with, each probably representing an aspect of myself. Then when the three of us were actually home at the same time, it hit me that Roommate A and Roommate B are complete opposites.

Although I find B's naivete endearing, I think it's shocked A everytime something came out of B's mouth. "I read somewhere that men think about sex a lot. Is that true?" Awww, honey, let me tell you. I explained the false myth that most American kids have heard since childhood, how men think about sex every 7 seconds/3 minutes/etc. but I had to clarify to B that, yes, a lot of men are driven by sex (I added that whether or not it's more often than women is arguable). Other innocent remarks or questions she's unabashedly made to us (you have to respect that): "What does 'preppy' mean?" "Are you watching the superbowl?" (During the Redskins/Patriots game Sunday afternoon). "Who are the 'Redskins?'" It could be worse. I just have a flashback to my own childhood, when my parents would pose such questions to my American friends and I, and I would laugh nervously and just explain American slang or pop culture. I totally feel for Roommate B, but Roommate A's facial reactions are priceless.

The goal is to keep the ying and yang apart.

The Brotherhood

If there is one thing that makes me jealous of boys - no, it's not that they pee standing up and it takes them literally 10 seconds to do the deed - it's the loyalty they have among each other. Don't get me wrong, I love being a girl and I'm pretty good at it. I wouldn't have it any other way. But this whole loyalty thing definitely needs some work among the sisters. Men easily find common ground and immediately a connection is born. Two men could be complete strangers in a sports bar, but given that they are both rooting for the Redskins, they high-five, buy each other beers, and chat for 4 hours straight. Where do we women develop that kind of immediate bond? Maaaaaaybe in the store fitting rooms ("oh honey that's not the right color for you"). I've observed this brotherly behavior among boys and it makes me insanely envious. Loyalty is one of the most significant values for me in any relationship - with boy or girl. I have always been intensely loyal, even to the point where it probably did me more harm than good. Friendships have come and gone in my life due to loyalty (or lack thereof) and to this day I am still trying to find the right balance because it's truly challenging to find loyalty in a girl-girl friendship or even a girl-boy friendship. It floors me that men have each other's backs no matter what. Men empathize wholeheartedly with each other. In environments where there is no competition, male strangers become fast friends and a support for each other. There is an unspoken brotherhood, where each man stands behind the other, in any situation. The only devotion like that I have ever seen was from my family. Men hold onto friendships through distance, time, marriages, children, fallouts, differences, anything. They can go for years without speaking, and pick up where they left off. And the best part: if there is ever a disagreement, they say their piece, apologize and move on. No such things as grudges in the brotherhood. Isn't that amazing, girls??

I'm not sure what it is exactly. I've tried to be a part of it. But it's just not possible, I'm still a girl. If ever I tried to break into the brotherhood, I was either viewed as a prospective conquest or just ignored altogether as a wanna-be. I have learned to accept this, and we girls have many other qualities to make up for the loyalty thing. Most male friendships are far more superficial than female friendships; women have more depth and expectations to their relationship. But in spite of this male superficiality or unspoken bond, it never ceases to amaze me how far, long, wide and timeless the circle of brotherhood can be.