I've Never Met a Short Lesbian

Is there a scientific correlation between height and female homosexuality? Anyone know?

Just a thought.

In the spirit of. . .

...International Women's Day (March 8th), I want to share one of my favorite poems. It's unfortunate that in the U.S., IWD goes completely unnoticed and uncelebrated, whereas in Europe. Africa, Asia and South America, women pour out in masses to acknowledge women - their accomplishments, their progress, and their struggles - every year on March 8th. It's even celebrated (quietly) in Iran! Come on, America. Get with it.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

-Maya Angelou

Deep Thoughts

My all-time favorite old skit from Saturday Night Live was "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." Sometimes, when I'm having trouble falling asleep, I try to come up with my own "deep thoughts." Don't worry about political incorrectness, randomness or crass taste of the jokes - I got them down. But the dark humor of it! I've come up with a couple of my own but I just can't pinpoint the same type of humor this Jack Handey guy did. He was brilliant.

While I'm tweaking my own "thoughts," here are some of the best SNL ones. I don't know if there is something inherently wrong with me but these crack me up every time:

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."

"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."

"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other."

"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness."

Ode to the City that Never Sleeps, and Gives you Food Poisoning to Boot

I have finally decided that when, or if, I ever end up living in New York City, I will have to have money growing out of my ears. Seriously. I'll have to be so rich that it doesn't even phase me when I dole out $12 for a movie ticket or $50 for spaghetti and meatballs (which I end up puking several hours later anyway). I have been to NYC over a dozen times, and every time I manage to see a part of town I had never seen before. To be bored in this city is to be completely blind and uninspired. It never gets old. Over the years as I have visited various friends, I see the same lifestyle pattern among all of them - even if they are from different social circles. There is something about this city that sucks you into the consumerist, materialistic, high-society-esque competition. You are not a true New Yorker unless you have certain items or social activities to show for it. Beelining to 5th Avenue to throw down a couple thousand at Prada, Gucci or Ferragamo for wallets, belts or shirts. Casually strolling into a watch store to try on $8000 watches (brands I've never heard that make Rado and Cartier seem trite). Packing your closet with Jimmy Choos, Manolo Blahniks and Chloe bags (thanks to Carrie Bradshaw's influence). Leaving your stainless steel refrigerator immaculately empty but for a few redbulls and countless bottles of champagne and vodka. "Why cook when there are over 10,000 restaurants in this city?" I won't argue with that.

I can't judge - this is New York. These are just a few of the many unique, extravagant, flamboyant and loveable characteristics that make this city. It's brimming with financiers, bankers, lawyers, businessmen, CEO's and other fancy titles. It's just that I can't help but be taken aback during every visit. It never ceases to amaze me. Every New Yorker has an "image" to uphold. There are certain standards, almost expected by your peers and faceless neighbors, to live by if you choose to reside in Manhattan. I don't know how students survive this city.

Nevertheless, I am always enticed. I have a love-hate relationship with New York City. I hate the overbearingness, fast-pace and superficiality when I'm there, but still manage to deeply crave the contrasting architecture, modernity and street personalities when I return to the conservative, drab town we call Washington DC. So I keep myself at a distance. Like a bad boy I have had a crush on my whole life, I know he is not good for my soul. He is certainly not comforting or able to provide warm companionship. He is not compatible with my heart, nor is he a viable long-term option. No matter how many friends I am surrounded by, the city swallows me whole and flaunts an air of loneliness. But he still offers unforgettable experiences that no other can. I will continue to enjoy sporadic flings with him when I crave his bold company, but will eventually run back to the safe and comforting arms of the place I call home.

A St. Louis-style Holiday, Part II

Over the winter, spring, summer and fall break visits I have made to St. Louis throughout the years, I have learned that I can appreciate a few things about this city (if you even want to call it a metropolis).

1 - the rap and hip hop music. Maybe it's a dirty south thing (wait, what region of rap is STL in??). Call me a traitor to Chocolate City but, for whatever reason, the music selection out in Da Lou is much better - I'm hearing rappers and songs I had never even known of back in DC. I definitely pick up a ghetto fabulous musical edumacation listening to the radio in my parents' Grand Cherokee while driving through the area's multimillion dollar suburban developments.

2 - the sports teams. I grew up in Baltimore, but I couldn't give you the name of one Ravens' team player. During my visits to STL, a lot of the kids I'd hang out with followed the Cards, Rams or Blues, so I couldn't help but to pick up some spirit. Come to think of it, I've been to more Cards games than O's games. Not that I really give a shit about sports these days, but STL sports fans are definitely more serious than Bmore sports fans, and I can respect that.

3 - the number of fast food/restaurant chains within a 10-minute drive. If it wasn't for the home cooking I get when visiting STL, I would eat out (and consequently adopt the round shape of the midwesterners in this state) every single day. The selection is definitely not as complete in Rockville or even DC. We're talking Arby's, KFC, Wendy's, McD's, Burger King, Lion's Choice, White Castle, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Del Taco, Sonic, Dairy Queen, Long John Silver's, Olive Garden and, my childhood fave: Outback Steakhouse. Yes, I can definitely appreciate the need for fast food in this town. Eat on, peoples!

4 - the elaborate, state-of-the-art gym my family belongs to. Umm....not much else to do while I'm in town, so I do appreciate the opportunity to work out and proudly don my Maryland t-shirts (or soak up rays at their pool during the warm months).

5 - I can easily gamble if I want to, and I don't have to drive to AC or fly to Vegas to do it. I've only taken advantage of this twice, and the other gamblers were mostly miserable husbands, passing-through truckers, or transvestites.

6 - people are nice. They smile at you and shit. At first, it freaks me out but I eventually shed my east-coast hardness and smile back.

7 - talking about politics is considered boring. Here, the first topic of conversation isn't about the Hill, the elections, or George Bush. Most of the people in this area are apathetic to politics (or at least not obsessed with discussing it), and that can be a nice break from the stuffy politicos in DC.

8 - if I were a kid, I'd have a lot of places to go to. Bowling alleys, movie theaters, magic houses, science museums, petting zoos, water parks, butterfly houses, go-karting, mini-golfing, skiing, ice-skating, etc. Not to sound like a freaking travel brochure, but you can't go wrong with raising kids in this town. It's almost as if the city of St. Louis made an effort to distract kids and pre-teens from doing otherwise deviant things, such as the glue-sniffing and premature beer-drinking I mentioned before. Not a parent yet, but I can appreciate the family-friendliness.

9 - gas is cheap. Always, ALWAYS, a good 20 cents per gallon cheaper than what I pay back east.

I've ragged on STL a lot from day one. It wasn't my choice to have this city be a part of my life permanently - I still have a rough time calling it "home" since I never grew up here or went to school here. My parents moved to STL after retirement (when most people go to Cali or Florida, dammit) and I really didn't have a say in their decision. But I had been coming here on breaks long before to visit my sister, who constantly defends her St. Louis pride, and I felt it was time to repay this godforsaken town with this post. You've come a long way in terms of civilization, STL. This is my way of making peace. Salute.