Let me tell you a little story about a couple I know. Joe and Jane have been dating for over 2 years. Joe is 35, with a playful personality and the maturity of a 16 y.o., and Jane is a sweet, traditional 25 y.o., who has had a wedding savings account (that has accumulated a notable amount of money) since college. When they first began dating, Joe intensely pursued Jane: he appeared randomly at her door with fresh coffee and donuts, sent her flowers, loved to join her and her friends at bars, took her biking and running along scenic trails, accompanied her on shopping trips, cooked her dinner, took her out to dinner, etc. As expected, after about twelve months, things started to die down. Neighbors stopped complaining about their loud nightly (and sometimes daily) romps - because they simply weren't happening anymore. He gradually stopped coming over to her house, and instead preferred that they just stay at his place. His expectations and demands changed. And at the two year mark, he stopped acknowledging anniversaries and even birthdays. Suddenly, she learned, he hated to run and bike because of his bad knees; he hated bars and refused to meet with her and her friends on nights out; he loathed shopping and if he ever bought her a gift, it would still be in the Best Buy bag, unwrapped, with the price tag attached. He didn't have time to cook dinner anymore and asked her to make whatever she wanted on the nights they met, regardless of her own busy schedule. He stopped going to her house completely, and they actually spent some nights sleeping apart, in the comfort of their own beds.
So what to do now, you ask? Well, just recently, Jane sat Joe down and told him if he doesn't want to marry her or get married at all, that she deserved to know now. He was so disturbed by the conversation that he became unresponsive and - just short of having convulsions - immediately left the room. In the days following the ultimatum, they went about their business as if the confrontation never occurred. Exactly a week later, Joe suggested that he and Jane go to a couple jewelry stores to look at rings. Jane was delighted, and has been walking on clouds ever since. Joe has asked for specific descriptions of the kind of engagement ring Jane wants, down to the shape, cut, clarity and band. And "the rest" - assuming she means the on-bended-knee-proposal-part - is up to him.
Jane's justification of this whole ordeal is as follows: her and Joe getting married is inevitable, and he just needed a nudge. Despite the fading intensity and contributions on his part to the relationship, she believes if he doesn't grow up (or get "nudged" into growing up) now, he never will. So, getting married is the answer. And she is, nevertheless, in a state of bliss about the whole process. Mission accomplished.
And so, to you, I present the Big Question: will Joe and Jane be happy?
4 comments:
If this is all she wants in life, Jane can convince herself she is happy. Joe seems to lack a backbone or maturity, so he will stay due to lack of options.
Jane will be happier. Joe will be just as happy as he was before.
Oh please, people.
First of all, the fact that his expectations changed is all her fault. She let him change his expectations. She silently became okay with everything she equally as silently didn't let him do at the beginning.
Second, everyone needs a nudge. I don't care what fantasy stories people tell themselves and each other, if one partner (usually the man) is perfectly happy with the status quo he will not try to change it. The nudge can come in many forms: this kind, break ups, withdrawl, etc.
Poor Joe. He clearly was done. The fire had died, but he succumbed to Father Time and Ms. Convenience.
See, sometimes the fire naturally dies out, and the couple just has to work on it a little more and not get too complacent. Other times, that means a relationship has run its course.
I just wonder, had Joe been 28 instead of 35, would he have gone down this path? If the answer is no, then he's settling...I mean marrying her cause he's worried about being able to find another woman at this stage of his life.
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