Love and Marriage?

I was so taken aback by Erica Jong's "Fear of Flying" that I had to dedicate another post to a topic she beats to death: marriage.

"Would most women get married if they knew what it meant? I think of young women following their husbands wherever their husbands follow their jobs. I think of them suddenly finding themselves miles away from friends and family. I think of them making babies out of their lonliness and boredom and not knowing why. I think of their men always harried and exhausted from being on the make. I think of them seeing each other less after marriage than before. I think of them falling into bed too exhausted to screw. I think of them farther apart in the first year of marriage than they ever imagined two people could be when they were courting. Not: when did it all go wrong? But: when was it ever right? A grim picture. What did I know? I wanted 'total mutuality,' 'companionship,' 'equality.' Did I know about how men sit there glued to the paper while you clear the table? How they pretend to be all thumbs when you ask them to mix the frozen orange juice?...I know some good marriages. Second marriages mostly. Marriages where both people have outgrown the bullshit of me-Tarzan, you-Jane and are just trying to get through their days by helping each other, being good to each other, doing the chores as they come up and not worrying too much about who does what. Maybe marriages are best in middle age. When all the nonsense falls away and you realize you have to love one another because you're going to die anyway."

Brilliant. I got into a conversation with a coworker yesterday and she asked if I'm afraid, like her girl friends in their late-twenties and mid-thirties, that I'll never get married. In this day and age, she argued, men and women can get on with their lives and be perfectly fulfilled emotionally, physically and financially, just by themselves. What is the purpose of marriage, she asks. Perhaps marriage was "invented" as a means for women to have emotional, physical and financial security during a time when they would not or could not be independent. Marriage was supposed to provide a stable, committed environment for two people to have children together. It was supposed to make two people responsible, not only for their own financial future, but for each other. Not to mention all the federal tax benefits. It seems, my coworker and I agreed, that the feminist movement has advanced women's accompliments and successes in countless ways, but also bitten us in the ass. Women no longer have the "need" for financial support from men. We have become independent-minded and free-spirited and, dare I say, self-serving completely on our own. But guess what. It's not just us. Men are the same. (Thanks to the feminist movement, we demanded the "total mutuality" and "equality" from them). Why would a man be inclined to marry when he could have the same lifestyle and comfort and freedom in non-married, non-commited coupledom? Men and women do not want the commitment or the responsibility of marriage anymore. Where does love come in? Well, back in the day, men and women didn't necessarily marry for love (except in the movies). They were married on the basis of compatibility, status, class, race, etc. But marrying just for love would be foolish. As Jong explicitly pointed out, modern day marriages get affected by the fast pace of real life. The love and passion fades. Then what are you left with? To me, is there any difference between dying alone and dying with someone you don't love or care for at all? I'm not really sure if there is a "purpose" to marriage these days. I don't fear not getting married. I know I will have a couple kids - maybe adopt one too. I know I will continue to wholeheartedly [and perhaps, selfishly] pursue a career that I enjoy. And I hope along the way I meet someone who I can laugh with, dance with, tease, and experiment my cooking on, and if/when the love wanes, we would still be best friends. It's not so much the marriage that I'm afraid I won't find, as much as the importance of companionship. To me, marriage is just a legal document. I can do anything I want on my own, but it would be awfully lonely if I can't share it with anyone.